Truth be told, I don't know if I have any intention of doing this blogging thing. With the youtube videos, and the articles I always tried to help others and produce something at least decent quality.
The thing about "Quality" is that it requires manufacturing. In order to attain the required level of polish you rehearse, you edit and you craft an experience. I don't want to do that here, there's enough of the facades in our world.
I just want to talk openly and without any pretense, objectives or promises. Maybe some of you will find it useful, interesting or helpful and maybe I'll just discontinue it.
I've been thinking alot recently, and that's never a good thing.
One of my guilty pleasures in life is reading autobiographies or at least writings that famous historical personalities have written.
I've read letters by George Washington had written about how they could never win the war with such an untrained, undisciplined, unmotivated bunch and the one he later wrote when he saw the birth of the American tenacity and realized those buffoons might actually have what it takes to win.
I've read Einstein's thoughts on life, letters that were dictated by Joan of Arc, translations of the strategies devised by Sun Tzu and Zhuge Liang. Hell, I have a set of plastic army men specifically meant to play Little Wars, a wargame designed by HG Wells!
I've learned from the best.
But one piece always resonated with me "Book of Five Rings" by Miyamoto Musashi.
As a proud Catholic, I'd always struggled with the bibles tendency to talk about "God's Plan" yet was equally talking about "Free will". Two separate and directly opposing ideas yet both were held up as the highest of truths. From a logical standpoint, this was an impossibility that I couldn't wrap my head around.
On one hand, Mushashi's "Book of Five Rings" is about exploring "The Way of the sword". But in the early chapter's he makes an important distinction that it was HIS way, not the only way.
Specially, he talks about the "Way of the Carpenter", men who've dedicated their lives to building things. Learning how foundations need to built to allow for the structure to stand on it's own power. They study, they practice and the pursue they're craft.
He tells that we all have our own "Way" in life.
Not a destiny, per se, but an ideal path that we are suppose to take to be one with the universe. Should we follow this path we'll go further in our lives and accomplish things far beyond our natural capabilities.
He goes on to state that we all KNOW our way. It's in our blood, Every cell of our bodies this crying out to guide us towards our ideal state. That if we reflect on our lives, on our emotions, and on the voices speaking to us from within that we can see where we are suppose to go.
Like God's plan he tells that we have a predefined destiny for our lives. But he doesn't stop there and he doesn't make promises that everything will be okay.
He says that staying on your path can be difficult. The road can be long and bumpy, there can be tempting distractions on the side of the road, and side paths that look easier but are ultimately a dead end.
Life itself will guide us away from our destiny, but only through careful reflections and honest soul-searching can we find our way back to our path and continue the march.
With this in mind I'm getting to the actual point of this post. The entire reason I want to try doing an uncut, unpolished, unrestrained blog.
There's no doubt in my heart, my mind, my body, or my soul that video games are my way. Every fiber of my being, everything I crave all know what I'm supposed to strive for.
But I'm so fucking tired of fighting.
I spent ten hours a day working at a government contractor surrounded by people who accomplish nothing, yet attack me for actually trying. I come home to listen to the people of games whine about politics and attack relentlessly anyone who has differing opinions. I put in another resume to a black hole because my experience isn't the right kind of experience..
Every few months I get another glimmer of hope that I'm making progress but I've been fighting for so long that I'm terrified that the rug will be pulled out from under me again. I've reached a point where I'm struggling to keep my head above the water.
I'm scared to move and desperately want to lay down on one of those nice comfy spots off to the side of the road.
It isn't easy. But, despite being beaten and bruised, I'm not defeated and I know that I won't be without one hell of a fight.
In recent years, I've had a number of people say that I've inspired them, how they admire me, and how they want to be more like me. They are the reason that I wanted to post this.
They need to know that doubt, fear, pain and confusion are all part of the paths that we walk. It doesn't matter that I've shipped 4 games professionally that I know more about certain topics because we're all just stupid humans doing the best we can.
People out there have given me amazing opportunities and given me strength in ways that they don't even realize. There are too many for me to name here, but I want you all to know how grateful and humbled I am.
The "Way of GameDev" may be long and bumpy but, at least, we're not alone.